100 Percent Pure Chinese Silk
by SolitaireAikanaro
Summary: He knew it was going to be a bad day...What lengths will Ren go to to wear his precious silk? Oneshot.


Yay! Another one! This one is dedicated to all the reviewers of my other Shaman King one-shots.

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It was a most beautiful morning. Tao Ren woke up refreshed and much happier than he usually was. He hummed while he brushed his teeth, and sung in the shower. The birds were singing, the sun wasshining…today was going to be a good day, he could just tell.

Ren whistled as he tied a black silk robe around his waist. He sashayed to his closet, opening it and preparing to choose his usual outfit of silk or satin. His whistling stopped abruptly when he saw his closet was completely empty. Ren took a deep breath, closed his eyes…and screamed in rage.

Ren stormed into the kitchen, his eyes ablaze. " Where are my clothes?' His voice was dangerously low and menacing.

The surprised kitchen occupants looked at him with wide eyes. Manta was pouring milk, Yoh was flipping a pancake, and Horohoro was stuffing himself with bacon.

The stunned Yoh was staring at Ren's non-spiked hair, and forgot about his pancake. It fell on his head with a wet splat.

Horohoro started choking on his bacon. After several minutes of gagging and slaps, he cleared his pipes.

" Your clothes? Oh, um…I have no idea." Horohoro finished lamely.

Ren's eyes narrowed and he stomped over, grabbing Horohoro around the throat. " Tell me before I stuff more bacon down your gullet and feed you to death."

Manta made a funny noise. " Feed – to – death?" His face contorted, and he starting laughing. The others soon joined in. Ren frowned. He knew it hadn't been his most impressive insult, but come on!

" Alright…tell me before I personally neuter you with my bare hands." Ren glowered. Everyone shut up.

" Okay, okay. Erm…remember last week when you were in China? Well, we sort of had a party in your room…and –wehadabonfireanditwasreallybiganditburnedup yourclothes and it was all Yoh's fault!" Horohoro pointed at the pancake-haired boy.

" It was your idea!" Yoh shot back.

" Let me get this straight. You burned my CLOTHES?" Ren shrieked, eyes wild. The two nodded meekly. Ren turned to Horohoro. " And you being the Ice shaman, couldn't do anything?"

Horohoro fidgeted. " I…kinda forgot."

Ren twitched furiously. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down. Okay, remember what Jun said. No killing, no maiming and no mutilating. Breathe in, breathe out. Count to ten. Find your happy place. Finally he spoke. " Just what exactly am I supposed to wear?"

" …You could borrow our clothes…" Yoh offered.

Ren shuddered. Subjecting his delicate skin to those rough, common fabrics? It was a scary thought.

" Or you could just cut that up and turn it into pants and a shirt." Manta suggested, pointing to the robe Ren wore.

" This is 100 percent pure Chinese silk." Ren said blankly.

" I don't think we could make clothes…" Yoh trailed off.

" Okay, I'm going to rummage through your closets. Maybe you have something halfway decent." Ren shook his head and left the kitchen. There was time for revenge later.

He first visited Horohoro's room. That visit lasted about two seconds. He would rather go naked than wear anything of the tacky Ainu's. He skipped over Manta's room, doubting anything would fit. So there was only Yoh's room left.

Ren cautiously entered the room. It was like a disaster zone. Clothes, books, weights and CDs thrown everywhere. He gingerly picked his way to the closet, trying not to touch anything, and trying not to inhale too much of the air.

Finally, an hour later, Ren reappeared in front of the general population. His hair had been left loose, as he couldn't find his tongari (he had a bad feeling about that) and he wore a buttoned, bright orange shirt. It was too big for him, and sagged on his thin frame. Also, as Yoh was taller and older than him, his pants were a different size. The navy slacks piled around Ren's feet, and just barely clung to his hips with the help of a tightly cinched belt.

" Don't say a word." He hissed as he stalked past his surprised friends. " We're going shopping. Hopefully, no one will recognize me."

He slipped his feet into a pair of Yoh's sandals, and strode off. The sandals were too large and his heels slipped out with each step, making a slapping noise and an effect quite like flip-flops.

Ren kept his head down as they travelled the streets, relying on his long hair to hide his face. Behind him, his friends were whispering conspiratorially.

" Why does he look better in your clothes than you?" Horohoro asked Yoh, sneaking glances at the Chinese boy before them.

" It's probably his I'm-an-exotic-foreign-prostitute-ness." Yoh nodded, staring. And it was true. Although Ren didn't know it, the clothes gave him an incredibly appealing sloppiness that attracted many appreciative glances.

Speaking of which, Ren suddenly felt a hard blow to his…er…behind. He whirled around to see a leering man winking at him. He flushed with anger. Once again, he was being mistaken for a girl.

" Bason!" The little red orb appeared.

" Yes, Bocchama?" It asked eagerly.

" I want you to rip that man's innards out." Ren commanded coldly, already smiling at the prospect.

" And what shall I do with the innards, Bocchama?" Maybe Bason was a little too eager.

Before Ren could reply, Yoh and Horohoro were dragging him off, shouting excuses to the surprised man.

Bason was left behind. With tears forming in his eyes he raced after his leaving master. " Bocchama! Wait! Bocchama!"

" Ren, we can't kill anyone, remember?" Horohoro reminded the angry boy.

" Ooh, I feel so violated! I need anti-bacterial spray!" Ren shook his head, shivering.

" Come on, here's a Chinese shop." Yoh steered his friends into the small building.

A small, balding man popped up in front of them.

" Welcome to Chang's Silk Emporium! What can I do for you?"

Ren stared coldly at the man. " You're not Chinese."

The man's smiled faded a bit. " Er, well, no, I'm not."

" Are you Chang?" The suspicious boy inquired.

" Yes!" A smile reappeared on his face.

" You're not Chinese." Ren accused.

" No…" The smile disappeared once again.

" That isn't the point!" Horohoro cut in. " We're looking for some clothes."

" Ah! Follow me!" The man started rifling through racks.

" What is this made of?" Ren asked, holding up a yellow sleeveless shirt.

" 100 percent pure Chinese silk." The man beamed.

Ren looked at the shirt, and then put it back. " You lie. This isn't silk. I know silk."

Beads of sweat appeared on the man's brow. " Well…er…that is…"

Ren turned away in disgust. " I'm leaving."

" Come on." Yoh gestured to Horohoro, and they both hurried after the Chinese shaman.

And so that went on. Every store they went to wasn't good enough for Ren.

" Ren! That store had silk!" Horohoro complained, lagging after his friends.

" It was only 80 percent . I need 100 percent ." Ren replied curtly.

" No one carries 100 percent silk clothes!" Horohoro shouted, throwing his arms out in annoyance.

Ren ignored him. He needed to find silk and fast. His skin was itching from Yoh's clothes, and he was unaccustomed to having his hair touch his neck.

Suddenly, he saw something familiar from the corner of his eye. That sheen, that texture! It was…100 percent pure Chinese silk! Ren almost cried with joy. He ran over to the street vendor, and instantly purchased it. As an after thought, he purchased on other item.

Yoh and Horohoro stared.

" Um…Ren?" Began Yoh.

" Are you…" Horohoro trailed off.

Ren pulled off his shirt right there in the street, and slipped on the first item he bought. After he had it on, he pulled on his borrowed pants from beneath. Then, he twisted his hair up with the other thing he had purchased. He'd seen Jun do it…his face screwed up in concentration as he finally had it fixed.

" Silk!" Ren sighed in relief, enjoying the smooth fabric immensely.

" Ren, you're wearing – " Yoh pointed out.

" A dress." Horohoro finished.

" Shut up." Ren glared. He self-consciously smoothened his pink silk _qipai_, and felt the neat bun in his hair, held by two chopsticks. The dress clung to curves he didn't even know he had. He would have been discomforted…if not for the fact Jun made him wear lots of her dresses in dress-up when he was young. Ren tried to stride off powerfully in his new garb.

It didn't work. He promptly tripped, causing all nearby parents to cover their children's eyes as his skirt fell up.

What a day. Ren groaned; he knew today was going to be bad.

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